Feelings and Emotions

I used to not feel things. Well, not in the traditional sense or the way I know now. That time feels so long ago, and yet that edge feels so close...

I am not sure exactly what caused it years ago, why I stopped feeling. I can't even remember when it started, I only remember when it ended.

It was as though, inside my heart there were many compartments. As I passed through moments and situations that generated emotions, I would see them, then file them appropriately. That's the best way I know how to explain it. If I "felt" sad, often it was an acknowledgement that something sad has happened. The feeling wasn't a part of the process.

It was a very neat and precise way to hold emotions. It was clean - separated. I knew how to handle my shit and no one ever saw me cry. It made me feel like a fortress, strong. But I lacked vulnerability, and there's no way to truly love without being vulnerable.

It ended when my heart broke. Every compartment flooded, every lid was flipped, and every feeling I had so carefully categorized and tucked away came spewing forth.

It felt like hell.

To someone who had never really felt many emotions (because even the strongest defenses get breached sometimes), feeling everything all at once is indescribable. It is physical pain and suffering, it is miles of paths your thoughts trod down, and it is an awakening.

They say to get through hell, you keep going. 

So I keep going. 
Learning.
Trying.
Failing.
Flailing.
Fighting.
Hoping.
Preparing.

With things like this, it becomes like riding a bike. Once you've lived so long in compartments and feeling-less, it's easy to go back. When things get tough, you know exactly how to turn that switch back on. That space inside still lives and breathes...

It beckons sometimes.

But then I remember what I missed out on. 

The symphony of joy rushing through my veins as I watch her run through the grass.

The warm comfort coiled around me as she nestles her tired head into the crook of my arm.

And so much more.

But then I have to feel it all. The pain rushes back like a flash flood in the desert, leaving deep slashes behind. The pain is so deep, so ingrained, so raw. 

This is how to go back to compartments. Remembering the pain. 

To be a part of the world, you have to remember the joy.