Prey of my Heart

You said you'd call tonight,

But I am still waiting, 

And I've been up all night. 

I don't know if I should be mad

Or worried.

I don't know

If I should care at all.

Is it so bad just to want 

To hear your voice?

An hour grows into years,

And the night an eternity - 

Don't you remember I have to get up early tomorrow?

You know I can't sleep without knowing you are ok - 

You know it's even hard to be

Without you by my side.

So where are you?

And where have you been?

Do I have to hunt you down

Like the prey of my heart that you are?

You are my prey -

You won't ever get away.
I heard you call my name -

From a place so far away. 

I felt you falling,

Slipping away from me.
I packed my bags and took the first flight out -

And that's why I am standing here tonight. 

It's nice to see 

I'm the only one on your doorstep -

But will I be the only girl in your bed?

So where is she?

Do I have to tear her apart?

Don't make me hunt you down

Like the prey of my heart that you are.

You are my prey - 

You won't ever get away.

Across the table at dinner, 

You swear you're innocent,

And I almost believe you. 

Then a girl across the room

Comes walking over 

Like you are her business

And throws herself in your lap. 

She bats her eyes and 

Kisses your cheek,

Trying to steal my prey.

You roll your eyes and push her away,

She stops and stares in disbelief.

Then you look at me -
Eye to eye, deep inside.

"I don't want you to hunt me down

Like the prey of your heart that I am,

I already know I am your prey -

I won't ever get away,

I am your prey."

You are my prey - 

And now I am yours.
Let's take this fight

Behind closed doors.

Now we'll hunt each other down, 

The prey of two hearts.

We'll be hunting well into the dark - 

My sweet,

My Love - 

The prey of my heart. 

__________________

An old poem I found while cleaning. It was written in 2009 or 2010, I neglected to date it.

Another Blessing Ignored

Embrace the ethereal,
Hold the intangible,
And openly converse with fear.

Played Practice

We are all played.
We are all
Used as instruments
For each other. 

Sometimes the song is
Maddeningly difficult
And
Deliciously beautiful. 

Other times, 
The song is 
Maddeningly difficult
And
Completely out of tune.

It depends on the 
Instrument
And
The musician.
Both must be 
Equally cared for,
Cultivated.

Otherwise,
The song will always be
Out of tune.

Giving Up

I am not sure
I am meant for this.
Maybe,
I am not 
Fit to be tied.
Maybe 
I am not
Fit to be with someone.
Anyone.

Maybe I am 
Better off alone.
Maybe everyone else
Is better off
If I am alone too.

Maybe it's part
Genetics
Maybe it's part
Preference.

But I think
I'm giving up.
No more.

Broken and Lost

I feel broken.
Shattered.
And I have to remind myself,
That's ok. 
I don't have to be stronger 
Than everything.
I shouldn't have to be 
An impenetrable fortress.
I shouldn't have to be
Unbreakable.

I should be cared for,
I should be treasured,
I should be loved.

I feel lost.
Unknown.
Like Atlantis,
Drowned,
Truly lost.
Except
I am 
Forgotten. 
No one is searching for me.

I should be known,
I should be sought out,
I should be loved.

But I don't feel worthy.
Because
I 
Am 
Broken
And 
Lost.

I am broken.

Allowance

I am tired of being angry.
I want to be happy.
I want to yell and scream to the world -
I DON'T WANT IT TO BE THIS WAY.

I want to tell everyone that I have tried
With every breath
With every bone in my body
With every beat of my heart
To fix everything

But
I
Can’t
Fix
Everything.

I can’t fix
Someone else.

I can’t change
Anyone
Except myself.

And I have changed myself
So much
To fit into
Another’s space
That
I
Don’t
Know
Who
I
Am
Anymore

I am allowed
To feel broken
I am allowed
To feel hurt
I am allowed
To feel.

Suffocation

The spaces
Closed in on her
Like a trash compactor.
Domestic,
Crushing.

There seemed to be no space for her,
No room for her to breathe.
No space to hold secrets
Without feeling 
Like a liar.
Despite her desperate need
To speak her own truth,
Even if it was in silence. 

It was like living in a giant mansion,
But only living fully honestly
In the tiniest crawl space
Between walls,
In secret.

Constantly 
Walking about 
Entertaining,
Caring,
Comforting,
Fulfilling every duty.
Pouring out of herself
Everything.
Only to have to retire 
Between the walls
To find herself. 

Feelings and Emotions More Questions

And what if by not asking - you don't know how everyone else truly feels anyway? Have they also misjudged the situation?

How does the worst case scenario weigh against the best case scenario? How does the worst case weigh against just the most neutral outcome?

Probability. But all based on guesses. Your own guesses. And isn't it your own judgement that got you into this in the first place?

So who do you trust? Obviously, you can't trust yourself - because your judgement must be flawed to be here in the first place. So, you talk to those you trust, and you gauge and balance the responses. You seek advice, attempt to implement it, and hope for the best. You begin compiling data on inputs and outcomes. 

Because your heart is not in it. It has become about the numbers. 

This is why love is a choice. The love of fluttering hearts and flushed cheeks fades to a knowing smile and fresh coffee. Sometimes the best that can be mustered is doing only what is needed. And that's ok. 

But you can't just shut down. And leave me alone. All alone. Feeling broken.

Magnets

She felt as though they were magnets,
Which seems relatively mundane,
Given the distance. 

Magnets at a distance - 
You know that in theory
They are drawn to each other,
That there is an attraction.
But at a distance,
That is all theory.
Theory.

But when you bring two magnets 
Close,
All of a sudden 
The attraction is real
Palpable,
Tangible.

The closer they are, 
The stronger the 
Tension.
Pull.
Draw.
Strength.

As two magnets
Get closer,
It is harder to keep
Them apart.

Get them close enough
And they will snap together,
Forcefully.

She felt like they were 
Magnets.
Pulled apart by 
Life
Struggles
Mistakes
And Life.

And she felt like
She wanted to 
Snap.

If only
For
A moment.

Puma concolor

You can 

Attempt to domesticate her

Like a common house cat.

Not that house cats

Are not 

Wonderful,

Amazing,

Comforting,

But

A puma is another thing.

Wild,

Nomadic,

Strong,

Wiry,

Desperate,

Deadly.

A cat is 

Kept,

Fed,

Petted,

Held.

And they may

Occasionally withhold

Affection or

Attention

On a whim,

But you know

Where they are

Who they are.

And they can 

Be content

Domesticated.

A puma,

Hunts,

Kills,

Devours.

On the edge

Of survival.

On the edge

Of the wilderness,

Bounding into

Civilization

Where there is no space for her.

She is mysterious,

Like a shadow at twilight - 

Is she here, or not?

You can try to tame her,

But she will always remain wild,

And will tear at the bars

Of her prison,

Until she is torn

And broken.

Broken spirited and

Longing for the 

Wilderness,

The incredibly

Unforgiving wilderness.

Because she knows
The rules
Of Survival,
It is where she feels  

At home.

A cat will learn

To come when called,

To fall into rituals.

They will return

True love invested,

In their own way.

They are content

Living away from 

The hardships of the wild.

An occasional wild hare

May draw their attention 

To the outside world,

But they return.

Because they love

Comfort.

A puma does not learn

The lessons you want 

To teach. 

She does not know

How to accept

Love

Kindness

Gentleness.

All she knows is the wild,

And the danger,

The pain.

The fight for 

Survival.

You can try 

To turn a cougar

Into a house cat,

But you will be 

Sorely disappointed.

I can't tell you

How to live with 

A cougar.

I'm struggling 

To live

As one.

I am a wild animal,
Tearing 
At the bars 
Of the prison
I didn't know
I was in.

Feelings and Emotions Continued

The hard part about feelings and emotions is that some people get caught in the aftermath. Sometimes, you make a bad decision and end up hurting people that you love. Genuinely love. People that you care about. People that you want to know the rest of your life. 

And you mess up. Big time. Not like "picked up the wrong kind of pickles at the store" mess up - like "change the course of the lives of multiple people all at once" mess up.

But you didn't realize it until many, many years later. Which just makes it exponentially worse, because now everyone has invested time and effort to get where they are. 

So what do you do? 

Do you stay in the life you chose, even though you now believe you were wrong? 

Do you stay because any change will hurt so many? 

Do you stay because you are indebted? 

Do you stay to wait it out, to see if things will get better? 

Do you stay?

Or do you admit you were wrong? What would that do to everyone? Even if no big life changes occurred, how would it change how people feel? 

What is all the pain and suffering worth? 

How do you measure that?

And what if you're wrong again?

A Love in Three Parts

It was a love in three parts.

The first was quiet, 

Silent at best.

It was the kind of love

That was a fortress,

Protecting.

Holding.
Safe.

It was ever faithful,

Ever strong,

Never failing.

The part that hoped

To never leave

The house.

The second was vibrant, 

Bright, bold.

It was like the day 

Every spring flower

Decided to bloom at once.

It was unmistakable,

Unfathomable joy.

Hope springing eternal.

The part that ached 

For eternal sunshine.

The third was raw,

Powerful.

Like a heavily muscled cat

Ready to pounce.

Like a lustful breath

Whispered across a pillow.

A never-ending hunger,

Combined with a 

Never-ending desire

For pleasure.

The part that hoped

To never leave the bed.

It was a love in three parts, 

Searching for another love

That was also in three parts....

1:26 - 1:57AM Revisited

Of diamonds and promises,
Love and laughter...
Of broken hearts and unspoken thoughts,
Grace and gratitude...
Fuzzy memories lost in a glass,
Half kisses and full hugs,
Whatever is permissible...
Understandable.
Reasonable.
Waiting for midnight...
Then 1 am...
Then 2...
Waiting for a time...a place...
A person.
A feeling.
Love.
Waiting for understanding,
A rush from the heart.
Wanting so much more,
More than is permissible,
Reasonable.
Empty teardrops like sand,
Sifting through an hourglass...
Drip, drip, drip, drip.
Tears, sharp like the shards
Of every broken promise,
Cutting through my chest,
Slicing through my ribcage
And piercing my heart.
Leaving the chambers pumping,
Out of order,
Blood spurting out...
Gasping for air...for life.
Broken heart.
A warmth--a beat.
Life refuses to go out.
Like a wayward ship out at sea,
It will never cease
Until it finds its safe harbor.
Thud, thud, thud...
Thump, thump thump...
Beat, beat, beat, beat...
The heart finds a reason to keep on.
As small as a snail,
A light the size of a pin prick,
Hope clinging by a spider's thread...
It hangs on.
Desperately, definitively...
Defiantly.
It beats on.
And on and on and on.
Without logic,
Some days without reason...
But it continues on.
Stronger, weaker,
More vulnerable...more desperate.
Stronger.
Sustainable.
Certain.
Of love and laughter,
Kisses and goodbyes...
Of doubt and pain,
Loving and leaving.
Of all the good
And all the bad,
All things terrible,
And some things wonderful.
I choose to believe...
Somewhere out there
Lies the reason for my heart...
...beat, beat, beat....
To not give up.
...beat...beat...beat...
There's a safe harbor somewhere.
....beat......beat......beat......
Somewhere there's another part.
.......beat..............beat.............
Somewhere there's another heart.
..............beat....................
Don't give up.
Don't give up.
Don't give up.
Don't give up.

A Hopeful Blessing

I hope that Serendipity is your day-to-day mistress. May she guide your footsteps toward softer ground while still letting you take the lead, and may any missteps add flair to your grand adventure. May you find a partner that embraces you eternally, who is both bold and compassionate, grateful for your strengths and weaknesses. May you be equally beautiful souls. 

May your journey be long and full of love, with enough trials and tribulations to elevate the joy and triumphs many times over, and a love knit so far deep throughout your travels that you never know loneliness a day in your life. 

May our paths cross as often as you wish, in times of shared joy as well as when you need support or a listening ear. 

Moments Passed

Deep gray clouds paint the horizon,
A storm brewing,

While I stand in uninterrupted sunshine.

I am taken aback slightly

By the warm summer breeze,
Forgetting what time of year it is.

The dark clouds play a backdrop

To glistening tree leaves
With deep dark greens

That remind me of your hair

The last time I saw you.

You only pulled your hat off for a moment, 

But I saw the silver glints in the moonlight.

I wanted to tousle it, 

To feel a bit of your age.

But I hesitated,
And the moment passed.

I hesitated,
Not knowing if it would be welcomed,
Unsure of our boundaries, 
And wanting to be
Exactly what you need.
Not adding to your burden
That I know you carry
Every day.

I don't know my place, 
And it is ever-changing.
More than you know.
But my hope is
To be here.
To be where you need me.
To be when you need me.
To help lighten the burden,
Whenever you can share.

My hope is to one day 
Find the words 
To tell you I am sorry,
Which is hopelessly 
Inadequate.

But I hope you will continue
To forgive me.

And I hope we will continue,
That we will always be something
To each other. 

Updated Playlist

Rearrange - Biffy Clyro
End of the World - Matt Alber
Someone to You - Banners
I Hope You're Happy - Blue October

Considering adding Critical Mistakes by 888. Time will tell if it makes the cut.

Unsaid

Of all the words we can't find, 
Of all the ways we can't reach each other,
Of all the ways we destroy each slowly,
It might end if we could just admit
That this just isn't working.

Feelings and Emotions

I used to not feel things. Well, not in the traditional sense or the way I know now. That time feels so long ago, and yet that edge feels so close...

I am not sure exactly what caused it years ago, why I stopped feeling. I can't even remember when it started, I only remember when it ended.

It was as though, inside my heart there were many compartments. As I passed through moments and situations that generated emotions, I would see them, then file them appropriately. That's the best way I know how to explain it. If I "felt" sad, often it was an acknowledgement that something sad has happened. The feeling wasn't a part of the process.

It was a very neat and precise way to hold emotions. It was clean - separated. I knew how to handle my shit and no one ever saw me cry. It made me feel like a fortress, strong. But I lacked vulnerability, and there's no way to truly love without being vulnerable.

It ended when my heart broke. Every compartment flooded, every lid was flipped, and every feeling I had so carefully categorized and tucked away came spewing forth.

It felt like hell.

To someone who had never really felt many emotions (because even the strongest defenses get breached sometimes), feeling everything all at once is indescribable. It is physical pain and suffering, it is miles of paths your thoughts trod down, and it is an awakening.

They say to get through hell, you keep going. 

So I keep going. 
Learning.
Trying.
Failing.
Flailing.
Fighting.
Hoping.
Preparing.

With things like this, it becomes like riding a bike. Once you've lived so long in compartments and feeling-less, it's easy to go back. When things get tough, you know exactly how to turn that switch back on. That space inside still lives and breathes...

It beckons sometimes.

But then I remember what I missed out on. 

The symphony of joy rushing through my veins as I watch her run through the grass.

The warm comfort coiled around me as she nestles her tired head into the crook of my arm.

And so much more.

But then I have to feel it all. The pain rushes back like a flash flood in the desert, leaving deep slashes behind. The pain is so deep, so ingrained, so raw. 

This is how to go back to compartments. Remembering the pain. 

To be a part of the world, you have to remember the joy.

Battle Ground Part 2

I do not want to feel this way.

I want to feel my heart flip

I want to feel it spin

I want to feel it sing.

But instead 

It just feels 

Like my heart is falling

Aching.

Tearing.

I want to feel joy

I want to feel lightness.

But I ache.

But I hurt.

And I don't want to feel this way.

I really don't want to feel this way.

How can I still feel this way?