I'm Tired of the Words

I am tired of all the words of love. 
"I love you"
Means nothing
If I feel alone
And lost
And unsupported
And misunderstood
And untrusted

I am tired of all the words of love,
Words tied to no action,
Only to emotion.
How am I supposed to know
You love me,
If I never feel 
Taken care of,
Heard,
Seen,
Treasured.

I am tired.
Every day,
I feel more like crying.
And I don't know
How much longer
I can fight it.

I am tired of all the words of love,
Of trying to tell you how I feel,
Only to have my own feelings
Mansplained back to me.
Only to be forced to 
"Be comforted"
In the way you want to comfort
But not the way I want to be comforted.

I am tired.
Of feeling like
I am the only one trying 
To bridge the gap
To meet in the middle
To jump the chasm
The only one 
In this

I am tired 
Of seeing you happier 
With everyone else
And not me.
And I don't know 
What I did.

I am tired of all the words of love.
They hurt
Like small daggers
Reminding me 
How alone I feel
And how far
Apart we are
Even though you are always right here.

I am tired of all the words of love,
I don't know if I believe them anymore. 
I don't know if it was ever real.
I don't know if it ever will be real for me.
I don't know how to move forward.

I am tired,
Of all the 
Words of 
Love.
They have become 
So meaningless. 
Because you say them
All the time.
All
The 
Time.
But I don't see it.
I don't feel it.
I don't know it.

I am tired of all the words of love.

Battle Ground Part 1

My heart feels like a battle ground.
Torn, burned, patched, shot.

Like the mud underfoot,
Squished and trampled,
Ignored and unattended.

My heart feels like a battle ground,
Where friendly fire has turned sour.

And all I see is smoke,
As it encompasses me,
Choking me.

My heart feels like a battle ground,
Where the war has already been lost.

Hello, My Old Friend

Oh, insomnia. We haven't been familiar in a long time, and I think right now we are just flirting. But I know how you work...and I know where we end up together. And it's not in bed.

Sure, at first it seems great - hours of extra time, peace and quiet, serenity. 

But it doesn't last. Like a bad relationship, things start to slowly go bad. 

After a while, the loneliness sets in - no one else is around and there's no one to talk to...

Then the anger starts - why can't I sleep when everyone else sleeps?

And the resentment - being alone at night makes me feel lonely all the time. 

But...it is nice to have a few extra hours to get shit done, right? 

The Rain

I love the rain. In my past, I hated it. I don't remember exactly why I hated it, but I hated any amount of rain. Today, I love it, and have fallen in love with the Pacific Northwest and rainy beaches and rainy days.

People change.

I love the color pink, but I didn't always. As a kid and even well into my mid-20's, I wouldn't wear pink or buy anything pink. Now, I have pink everywhere and I love it. I almost dyed my hair pink a couple years ago.

People change.

We all know that change happens. We know that it can be painful. But we all KNOW it's inevitable, so why don't we do more to prepare for it?

People change.

Hearts change.

Love changes.

How do you make sure the changes are for the better?

And what do you do when you realize that the only thing you can do is change yourself, but that's not enough?

Current Playlist

Rearrange - Biffy Clyro
End of the World - Matt Alber
I Hope You're Happy - Blue October 

On repeat.

What songs expand into your dark spaces?

Dark Spaces of the Heart

Dark spaces,
Dark places,
They are always there.
Sometimes masked 
By the business of life.
Sometimes masked
By denial.
Sometimes masked
To protect others. 

But they are there.
Always there.
Deep and dark,
Sometimes with a spark,
But always there.
Vast and expansive,
Ever growing and shrinking,
Forever and always there.

And there are times,
Throughout life
When we fall into 
These dark spaces.
Fall and crawl,
Stumble and tumble,
Rest and wait.

Hiding in the darkness,
Not yet wanting for the light,
But absorbing the feel
Of the dark.

How does it feel 
To be alone,
Yet surrounded.
How does it feel 
To lose your voice,
Yet still speak.

And why am I drawn to the dark,
And the pain,
And the depths,
And the solitude?

These spaces,
These dark spaces
Of my heart,
remain comforting -
Because they are mine. 
These spaces are sacred,
Like a shrine to my suffering.
But not so elevated.
More like a hidden cave, 
With an endless pool, 
Endless darkness,
Endless edges,
Endless Endlessness.

And no one comes to visit.
No one wants to stay.
The darkness scares,
Tears, and pushes
Others away.

Living in the light,
While exploring the dark.

Writing in the Dark

I love writing. I used to do it much more often, but I find it much more difficult now for many reasons. 

One: It's hard to be brutally honest when you have people so closely connected to you, like a spouse. Sometimes, it feels like honesty has to take a back seat to ensure that there is no harm done - even if no harm is intended, harm can still be done. 

Two: I find it harder to write when I am happy. At least lately - it's hard to find both time and the right words. My writing has a tendency to thrive in the dark spaces of the heart - hence why I worry that some of this writing could do harm, unintentionally. 

Three: Time. There is never enough time and always something else to be doing. But sitting here, feeling the keys under my fingertips...feels so right and wonderful. 

So, I have created this new blog in order to write what I need to write from the dark spaces of my heart. I am hoping to find a way to make this more or less anonymous, to remove my fear of unintentional harm. My hope is to also eventually open the blog up to guest posters as well. 

I invite you to join me on this journey - wherever it goes. It will probably be dark. It will be uncomfortable. It will be raw. But I also hope it will be really good. 

If you have an interest in being a guest poster in the future, feel free to leave a comment below and I will reach out as soon as I am ready.

Let's explore these dark spaces, and see what we can learn from them.